34, 35, 36, and 37

34 something you always think "what if" about

 

Hmm, there are a few things I think what if about. 

But none that I'd actually change if given the chance. 

 

The first is what if I'd never worked at the movie theatre - which I'm super glad I did.  It was a great first job (real job), I met some pretty awesome people that I'm still friends with to this day, an I met my hubby there too.  And without him, I wouldn't have my two beautiful littles.  So while I wonder what life would have turned out to be if I'd never worked at the movie theatre, I know I'm grateful that I worked there because of how my life worked out.

 

I think what if I'd gotten a different job after leaving the movie theatre.  Cause from there I ended up working all kinds of places.  Retail, call center, sales - and none of them stuck.  What would have happened, and where would we have ended up - if I'd found a job that actually paid well and that I enjoyed?  Cause I seriously doubt it'd be here where we are now.  Now yeah, life SUCKED for a few years there.  We struggled BAD.  BUT, where we are now is the perfect places for us.  Despite all the struggles we deal with, we always end up where we NEED to be, even if it's not really where we WANT to be, ya know? 

 

And I wonder what if I'd gotten with someone else.  There are a few people that I can think of that I COULD have ended up with if life had been slightly different.  And I've caught myself wondering what life would have been like with them.  But I never regret my life with Ruben and the girls.  I do regret some of the CHOICES we made, but never the fact that we are together and have two amazing little girlies to call our own.  :)

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

35 something that you're proud of

 

I am proud of ME

I'm proud of how far I've come in the last couple years.  I'm a completely different person in some aspects.  I'm more positive about things.  I refuse to make as many excuses, and I refuse to use things I can't control as an excuse not to do things that I CAN control.  I've learned to let go when I have no control.  I've learned to step up when I do.  I've learned it is ok to say no.  I really have changed, and I am so proud of how far I've come.  And to hell with what anybody who disagrees thinks, haha.

 

I am proud of my girls!

They are growing so darn fast.  And they are SOO smart.  Ivy and her advanced learning classes, plus her regular classes, and she's still pulling A/B honor roll.  Desiree and how well she's doing in Kindergarten.  She can count to 100 like a pro (at least at home - we think she gets nervous in front of her teacher) She can spell most of her colors.  She can name all her letters, and all her numbers.  (well, at least the capital letters - still working on the lower case).  She really is doing so darn good.  And they are such big helpers around the house, without me having to ask.  Like Ivy helping clean up MY mess yesterday, and Desi likes to help with dinner, and dishes.  I couldn't be more proud of the wonderful little women they are growing into.

And I am proud of Ruben.

He doesn't like his job.  In fact, most of the time he HATES some of the people he has to deal with, haha. (But really, who HONESTLY has a job that they love?  I don't know that many)  But despite all the things that he doesn't like about the job, he stays because it keeps a roof over our heads, food in our stomach, and clothes on our back.  In fact, he puts up with crap that I couldn't put up with anymore, haha.  And he doesn't let it really get him down.  And that's awesome, if you ask me, considering when we first got together we BOTH jumped jobs like crazy.  He is such an amazing father, and amazing husband, and just an amazing friends and person.  And I couldn't be more proud of how far he has come too.

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

36 a problem that you've had

 

Recently the only real problem that I've had is asking for help when I need it, lol.  I know it's ok to say no, I'm not up to doing something.  But if I've already agreed to it, I will fight through it no matter what - even when I'm having a REALLY bad day.  And I have a hard time asking for help.  Thank goodness Ruben and most of my friends can tell when I need help, and just offer it instead, haha.  Yeah, I know, sad huh?

 

And the only other thing I can think of is dealing with the lonliness.  The couple hours I have to myself Monday through Thursday is exhausting.  It's hard to find something to fill those hours.  I seriously need to find SOMETHING to do that I actually enjoy.  No clue what though, haha.  Guess that's something I'll have to work on.

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

37 five items you lust after

 

Some are big, so just put up with me, haha.

1: - I lust after an actual HOUSE to live in - with a good back yard, and a spacious kitchen, and a laundry room.  Somewhere that I could do everything that I need to do, and have space for the family to GROW and not feel cramped.  I eventually want a three bedroom house - where each girl can have their own room, and we can all have our own space.  That's one of the things I lust for most, lol

 

2: - A good working car.  Which we will HOPEFULLY have TWO good working cars out of income tax this year.  We will AT LEAST have ONE good running car out of income tax - depending on how much it all costs.  And we will have TWO paid off cars!  That will be AWESOME, haha.

 

3: - A body that doesn't fight with me when there's something physical I want to do.  Stupid MS, haha.  It's not HORRIBLE, but I'd like to be able to work out for longer than 30 minutes some days before the pain gets so bad that I have to stop, because when that happens I'm usually lousy for the next couple days.  I wanna go hiking again, and rock climbing, and swimming at the lake, etc.  That would be WONDERFUL!

 

4: - Ruben to find a good DAYTIME, good paying job so that we can have him home in the evenings again.  It's been a while since we've had more than an hour or two at night, and an hour in the mornings where the girls can spend time with him during the school year.  It would be nice if we could find that.  Not betting on it happening - but there are things in the works that COULD potentially offer him that chance. :)

 

5: - I lust for more time to spend with my friends and family in Arkansas.  To be able to visit once every couple months for a day or two.  That would be great.  I seriously miss them like CRAZY living up here.  But we gotta do what we gotta do huh?

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

Ok, think that's all I've got tonight

LOVE YOU GUYS

LYZ

A few more of the 50 things, plus some rambling

32 what you wore today

 

Sadly, today I didn't really wear anything interesting, haha.  It was a stay at home and relax kind of day, so I spent the vast majority of the day lounging around in my pjs and a spaghetti strap shirt. I did put jeans on to take the girls to school and pick them up, but that's it, haha.  Yeah, I know, Such an exciting life I lead huh?

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

33 your zodiac/ horoscope and if you think it fits your personality

 

AQUARIUS

 The humanitarians of the Zodiac, the Aquarius are inventive and modern individuals. Honest truth-seekers, they are broad-minded and creative people. The new, novel and modern have a magnetic allure in the amiable Aquarius’ world. Friendly, gregarious, candid, the Aquarius are popular people in their circles. No wonder they have innumerable friends! However, the truth is that the Aquarius may have many acquaintances, they may not be really close to anyone in particular. In fact, they may be quite detached and changeable.

 

Ask anybody who knows me, and they will tell you that's pretty darn accurate, haha.  Absolutely open-minded, artistic, and only a few really close friends.  I am an artist.  A lover not a fighter, but I will certainly fight for what I believe in.  I do my best to be friendly to everyone I meet, sometimes to a fault (even when they treat me like shit I still try to befriend them).  And it's taken a LONG time to come to terms with the fact that I can't make everyone happy, no matter how hard I try. 

 

So yeah, it fits me.  VERY well.

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

Now on to random ramblings

 

This has been one of those days where my brain hasn't exactly been on my side.  It's forgetting things that I need to remember, and remembering things I need to forget.  It's making me feel bad for things I can't control.  It has me homesick and hell, and emotional as hell.  It has me stressing about things I can't control or change.  And feeling bad for others when there is nothing I can really do or say to change the situation they are in either.  It's frustrating, and exhausting, and I just want it to stop.  haha.  Yeah, I know, Not that easy.  But hey, a girl can dream.

 

Today has been one of those days where my body hates me, and I hate it too, lol.  My legs will be FINE one minute, and the next they go "dead" and don't wanna do ANYTHING but hurt like hell.  And it's frustrating because there's not a whole lot I can do about that when it does happen cause it is - as I've taken to laughing about - all in my head.  Yeah, some of the pain can be taken away with painkillers, and I do take them to take the edge off - but it never goes all the way away.  Even my GOOD days I still hurt.  I need to get to the doc, but we are broke as a joke so I can't currently afford it.  But at least the meds I have right now work for what's going on.  There's just a LOT going on that frustrates me with my body.  I hope to find the money and time to get it truly taken care of SOON.  Just have to see what happens though.

 

Tomorrow is payday - thank goodness, haha.  Cause we are currently sitting at just over a dollar in the bank.  ONE DOLLAR!  Yeah, I hate when that happens too.  Especially when some of the funds we were expecting don't come through to help supplement.  HOPEFULLY I'll start the new housecleaning job I've got booked so we can have a LITTLE money coming in.  It will be nice to have a little extra money to pay for gas and stuff coming in.  Just have to see what comes through and what doesn't.  I know Ruben has some funds coming in over the next little while for some commission painting he's doing, so that'll be nice - long as it comes through.  And then I'm supposed to help a friend pack and get ready to move, and then clean the house once it's done.  SO that has the potential to bring in some good money.  If he can afford it.  If not, I'll probably still help.  He's helped us out so much that It would be nice to pay it back a little, ya know?  Just have to see.

 

Right now, I gotta get off the comp and actually get things done.  Gonna make spaghetti for dinner, clean the living room, and then wake Ruben up.  So I'm out.  LATERS!

31 - the one I've been dreading

I knew when I typed this one into the list that it was going to be a VERY difficult post for me.  Those who truly know me know the things in my past, and why this is so hard.  So please, please, be gentle.  Read it with love, and realize that I'm working on it every single day.

 

31 your opinion about your body and how comfortable you are with it

 

The truth is - NO.  I am honestly NOT comfortable with my body.

 

That being said, let me explain.

 

I am by no means fat.  Not even a little - not really.  The truth of the matter is that the only thing that REALLY needs work is my tummy area.  And it's just because I've had two kids and I have MS - and the two have combined to create a tummy that I HATE.

It took FOREVER to get boobs, haha.  Took getting preggers before I even started to have a set.  I used to be able to go without a bra before I had my daughter.  Sad huh?  But I did finally get them, and now after my second I can finally say I have a chest, haha.  Yeah yeah.  I know.  But It makes me super happy to finally be able to fill out some of the awesome shirts I've had for a while.

 

My legs and arms are pretty good.  I work on them all the time, so they haven't had a chance to really get too bad. 

 

But my stomach.  UGH my stomach.  It's hard for me to really work on it because of the way my legs hurt all the time.  I can do a few things, and for a short amount of time, and then they start to hurt and go weak and it's hard to do ANYTHING else.  I'm trying to find things to do that I can keep up with, but It's REALLY hard.  Any ideas would be great.

 

Now, I know I do things that aren't always healthy. Some days it's a struggle just to eat twice a day because I feel like everything I put into my body is going to just go straight to my tummy.  Thankfully I have a pretty darn good support system in place that helps me.  A hubby that "forces" me to eat.  Friends that remind me how beautiful I am when I feel ugly.  And kids that hug me when I'm having a bad day. 

 

Truth - I HATE IT.  With a passion.  I know better.  My logical brain knows that it's bad.  I understand that it's bad for me.  I know what It can do to me.  Hell, I went through that period in high school, and just after.  I sat at 95 lbs for YEARS - so skinny that I wore size zero jeans forever. So I KNOW that it's bad.  But in that moment, when I'm faced with eating, the illogical brain takes over. 

 

I'm working on it.  I'm getting better.  Have been for years.  Just have some hard periods some times.  And I'm just thankful that I have such amazing people in my life who are understanding of all of it. 

 

LOVE YOU GUYS

 

# 30

30 five guys whom you find attractive

 

I'm just gonna do this about famous actors.  Cause that's the only way I'd be able to get five.  We all know I find my hubby attractive, so there's no need to write about that one, haha.  SOOO, that being said, here are 5 actors/ actresses I find attractive.

 

1 - Vin Diesel. - Between his build and his body, I'm in love, haha.  I swear, I could watch his movies all damn day long and never tire of seeing him.

 

2 - Jason Statham - Yeah, with him it's the body and the accent. MMM.  I think I've seen the VAST majority of his movies now, and he's another I could sit and watch all day long.  Yummy. hehe.

 



3 - Jennifer Lawrence - She is just freaking hot!  And her view on things is pretty darn amazing too - so with her it's not just her body I find attractive, but her soul too.  The fact that she refuses to be the skinny model that everyone expects from Hollywood is pretty impressive. :)

 

4 - Chris Hemsworth - Yeah.  His eyes.  His body.  His voice.  Just everything about him is freaking awesome.  I'd be the giddy little school girl if I ever met him in person, haha.  Seriously though, I can watch the movies he's in all day long too, and I will probably always be able to do that.

 

5 - Christina Hendricks - Played Saffron in Firefly - and a few other things that I never really watched.  But damn if I can't watch the episodes of Firefly she is in all day. (well, I can watch Firefly all day, but those are some of the more fun ones for me, haha - cause I get to stare at her)  I would just LOVE to spend a while with her one on one. ;)

yet more of the 50 things, lol.

27 how important you think education is

 

I truly think Education is one of the most important things in this day and age.  Without a high school diploma you can't really find a single job.  Without learning how to do math you can't manage money very well.  Without the social interaction of school you have trouble with it on a day to day basis.  It's something that is extremely important if you want to make anything of yourself. 

 

Now, that being said, I don't really think that a college education is the most important.  It really depends on what you want to be and what you want to do.  Because something like a teacher, a lawyer, etc HAS to have a college education, whereas someone that owns their own little shop doesn't (although, a degree in business management would be useful it's not NECESSICARY, ya know?)

I will, of course, encourage my girls to go to college.  To find something that they really really want to do, and to find the best possible way to do it.  And I will support them however I can, ya know?  They deserve that.

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

28 put your music player on shuffle and write the first ten songs that play

 

1 - Katy Perry - ROAR

2 - Maggie Rose - Better

3 - Avril Lavigne - Here's to never growing up

4 - Little Mix - Wings

5 - Orianthi - Courage

 

Hehe, I love my playlist, lol.

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

29 - Family

 

Well, that's an interesting question, haha.  Mainly because I have a HUGE family.  Yeah, they aren't all blood, but they are family.  And that's what matters to me.  SOOO, I'm just gonna write a little about all of the people I consider to be family

 

Other than my actual blood family.  Wanna know about them?  Just ask

 

My besties for life - Cassie and Ashley and Misty

These girls have been around during some of the most difficult periods of my life.  They saved my life more than once (both literally, and figuratively) and I couldn't thank them enough for that.  They make me smile when I'm having a bad day.  Make me laugh when all I wanna do is cry.  We can be apart for MONTHS (in some cases - YEARS) and still get on like we just saw each other the day before.  And that means the world to me.  I LOVE YOU GUYS

 

There Loren and Jordan - who I've never once met in real life.  But they've been there for me the last couple years too.  Helping when things seem to go CRAZY by being there for me to talk to and cry to.  I've been able to watch their little family grow with the birth of Ivan, and I feel like they are my more and more my family than I could ever really put into words.  Kinda weird huh? lol.  I know some day we will meet, and it will be like we've known each other for a very long time.  And that's kinda awesome to me

 

There's Lee-ann.  Who cracks me up and reminds me that I have some of the most amazing friends.  And I am super happy to know her.

 

Tony, Ashley, and Vincent.  Been best friends since just out of high school.  And super super happy to know them too.  They've helped us when we didn't even have a roof to call our own, and I just hope that some day we can show them just how much it really meant to us.

 

Jeremy and Tabatha.  Jeremy has known Ruben FOREVER, and I met him not long after graduating when we worked together.   And Tabatha is family cause she married him, haha.  And the more that I get to know her, the more awesome she becomes. :)

 

Tammy and Tom - who we've just recently accepted into the family.  They've stepped out of the blue and helped us with school supplies, winter coats, and fundraisers.  They are always there to give us a YAY when the girls do something awesome, or when something great happens.  Just been doing pretty good.  And that's pretty darn awesome. :)

 

I'm sure I left someone out.  And if I did, I'm sorry.  Know that I love you too.  Message me and I'll add ya too.  Darn my memory, heh.  :p

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

LYZ

More of the 50 things

24 your views on mainstream music

 

Mainstream music

Hmm, that's an interesting question.

 

You know, there's a lot of the MUSIC that I like.  That being said, there are very few of the mainstream singers that I think are all that great.  There USED to be more that weren't so bad, but the more fame people get the more STUPID they seem to become. And that bothers me.  I want the people that used to be around that were ALL about the music and not worried about making absolute fools of themselves in public.

 

I'm sure you know some of the things I'm talking about.  Some MAJOR stuff has gone down over the last couple years with some of the artists that were pretty darn kool turning into complete idiots when they had so much fame.  Now, don't get me wrong.  I have never been "famous" the way they are, and I'm sure it's a taxing thing.  BUT, no offence, you should have known what you were signing on for.  No privacy, your whole life plastered on the cover of every magazine, and having to be "perfect" in everything you do.  YOU SIGNED UP FOR THAT!  If you can't handle it STOP DOING IT!  Don't pull some of the STUPID shit that you pull expecting sympathy.  It doesn't work that way.  Instead, every magazine is going to plaster your stupidity on their front cover and make fun of you for until someone else does something even more stupid.

 

The music is good.  I like the music.  I can listen to all kinda of "mainstream" music all day long.  In fact, I usually do.  I can't go a day without listening to SOME kind of music.  But that's where my love ends.  And that's how I feel about it.

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

25 five pet peeves

 

1 - and my BIGGEST pet peeve is saying you're going to do something and then backing out last minute for a STUPID reason.  Don't wanna do it?  Say NO.  Promise that hurts less than letting me get my hopes up only to have them smashed - especially when I find out later you canceled with me to go hang out with someone else.  K? Thanks

 

2 - Complaining about something, and refusing to do anything about it.  Sorry, if you're complaining about not having a job or any money - yet all you do all day is sleep and lay around complaining you will NEVER have a job or any money.  If you're complaining about the people you live with, move out instead of complaining (and don't tell me you can't.  If you want out bad enough you'll make it happen).  Just HATE that shit!

 

3 - Me having to say things a hundred time, and then still not being heard

 

4 - cleaning house only to have it wrecked again in just a few minutes after walking back in the door, or after waking up.  And having to do it all by myself.

 

5 - Guilt trips over things that aren't my responsibility or that I have no control over - like things that I've done FOREVER not being changed at the drop of a hat because you want me to go do something else.  Just doesn't work that way.

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

26 what you want to do in the next 5 years

 

Honestly, I kinda quit thinking about things like that.  Life changes too much around here for me to make any real plans.  But these are some of the things that I would really LIKE to do if given the chance.

 

I want to take a GOOD family vacation.  Somewhere AWESOME - like Disney World, or up to Alaska, or to New York City.  We've taken SMALL vacations - usually just a weekend - but they've never been anywhere really out and about.  I think it would be fun for the kids to get to enjoy the family vacations that my sister and I got to enjoy when we were little.

 

I want to move out of the apartment and into a house.  Nothing fancy.  Just a cute little 2 or 3 bedroom house with a backyard.  Somewhere that we could grow into, if you will.  But that one is gonna be a little harder unless Ruben makes more money, or I get a good job.

 

I want to be able to go back to school.  Maybe not full time for an actual degree, but for something I'd enjoy doing.  Like pastry school, or photography classes, or something like that.

 

I want to find more things to become involved with in the community.  Theatre, music, art, helping people out, etc.  Something to improve the lives of people.  I've always enjoyed doing that, but it's hard to find something to do.  (any ideas would be great)

 

And last but not least, I want Ruben and I to be able to have an actual wedding to renew our vows.  With friends and family there (and not just his).  With an actual wedding dress, and bridesmaids and groomsmen.  With Ivy and Desi in pretty dresses walking down the aisle with us.  I never got an actual wedding.  I don't have wedding pictures. I didn't have anybody there.  It was just a small ceremony with two of Ruben's friends, and that was it.  I NEED that wedding, haha.  Seriously though, gotta make it happen.

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

And I think that's all I feel like writing right now.  Just needed to distract my lovely manic mind for a while, haha.  Bout time to get the girls from school, and then I'm gonna try to get my body to relax.  It's being a brat today.  LATERS!

 

LYZ

#23 - and random ramblings

23 things you want to say to an ex

 

There isn't much that I'd say to most of my exes.  And not because there aren't things that COULD be said, but because there are reasons we really don't discuss our relationships and why they ended.  Ya know?  Life has moved on, and I'd like to keep it that way, so we just don't go there.

 

BUT, I do have things that I'd say. So I am gonna write them down here, and finally get them off my mind, cause I do think about them sometimes

 

Not gonna list names, because that doesn't matter.  Just gonna write, and if you know them, keep it quiet, and we can just snicker about it later, haha.

 

1 - You were a great first boyfriend.  I still have the stuffed cat you got me, and my girls love playing with it.  But you were a little clingy, and things weren't good when we were together.  It was hard for me to be in a relationship with ANYBODY, and you just got the brunt of it

 

2 - You were CRAZY, and always made me smile.  You were always fun to hang around with in school, and after I graduated, you helped me get the job that I'd wanted for a long time.  We had some really good times, but life took us in different directions.  I still think you're a great guy, and I'm proud of you for all you've done with your life since graduating high school, even if you don't feel like you're worthy of that.  :)  I hope we see each other again sometime.  I'd love to meet your family.

 

3 - You were there for me though a lot of crazy shit.  We didn't date for long, and distance ultimately drove us apart, but I loved every second of time we spend together.  I still consider you one of my very best friends, and I'm sure if we ever got to hang out again it'd be like we'd hung out every day.  Just know that I am sorry if I hurt you.  I never meant to do that.  I am proud of everything you've done with your life too.  And I hope we can hang out the next time I'm in town. :)  Maybe.

 

And those are the only exes I care enough about to say anything about, haha.  Yeah, I know, kinda sad truly that I have that many huh?  But that's my dating life in a nutshell, and now I'm with Ruben and have a wonderful family, and I wouldn't change a thing.  Love my little family.

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

I have a lot on my mind, but I can't seem to truly catch any of it.  That seems to happen a LOT lately.  Probably the season or something.  All I know for sure is that it's ANNOYING, haha. But that's my life.  These are the things I CAN catch.

 

This week has been pretty interesting.  Ruben has gone to bed early both days, and I've had quite a bit of ME time to fill.  Yesterday I went to run errands, and then had a couple hours to watch movies and relax.  And Today I had to go get groceries, and then I had a LOT of time to myself, haha.  Not that it's really a bad thing.  I made a little desk organizer out of foamboard, haha.  Been doing a LOT of things like that for organization around the house.  Making little shelves for the models and little stuff in my room, the desk organizer for beside the couch.  And I've got a few more things I wanna try to make the next few days.  Wanna make a little storage thing with some actual little drawers that fit to hold little things for the desk, or for beside the bed, or bathroom, or something like that.  Just enjoy making them, and it's fun and CHEAP.  AND it helps keep my house organized better, lol.

 

Friday we are going to FINALLY have date day.  And I swear, if he schedules ANYTHING other than that, I'm gonna KICK HIM!  No, seriously, we've tried to do this for THREE WEEKS already, and every week something has come up.  So this week it's gonna happen.  AND, we've got the extra funds to do it with.  :)  I've got a little from a friend, he's gonna get paid for some commission work he's been doing, AND he's gonna go mow for the guy he mows for too.  So we will have enough to go out to eat, maybe rent a movie or two, and just enjoy time together.  I swear though, it better happen.  We haven't been able to truly enjoy all the time we've had together yet, so it's gonna happen!!!  lol. 

 

And then Friday night is Family night at the zoo.  It's for members only, and they have a lot of perks for everyone.  Free sea lion show, free admission to sting ray bay, free rides, and keeper chats.  So it'll be fun, and it'll be kool too cause one of our friends has her pass too and will be there.  So the kids can hang out, and Ruben and I will have someone to talk to too. :) So that'll be fun.

 

Soon I'm gonna start cleaning on a regular basis for a friend of mine, so that'll be nice to have a little extra spending money on occasion.  And to get me out of the house, haha.  And then I've got another friend that I'm gonna clean for once a month I think, maybe more (or less) once the baby gets here, but it'll be nice to help them out. And I've been trying to find some other small cleaning jobs to do for extra money and to kill time when I can.  So if you hear of anything in the OCK area, please let me know.

 

Now, gonna talk about something that's a bit touchy.  So just bear with me, or leave

 

It's about my family

 

You've been warned, haha

 

My little sister just had another baby.  She's three weeks old tomorrow.  Well, my mom and dad said they'd help me come down to visit and see the new baby - BUT there were rules.  I had to come down on a Saturday, and stay Saturday night.  I had to spend all the time we were there with them (so no seeing Cassie, Ashley, or anybody else), and go to the meeting Sunday afternoon.  Now, I love them.  I really do.  And I'd LOVE to take them up on that if things were a little different.  But they aren't.  First, Ruben wouldn't be able to come because he has to sleep on Sunday - and he wouldn't really be able to get enough sleep while we were there.  Second, I do laundry on Sunday afternoons, so I wouldn't be able to do that (unless I did it Saturday while I was there, and I really don't want to spend time I'm supposed to be spending with family doing laundry)  And then the meeting isn't until 1pm.  If I stayed the whole time, It'd get over at 3.  And then i'd still have to go back to the house and change and then drive back.  It is AT LEAST 2.5 hours to get back - So I probably wouldn't be back until 6ish or so.  And Ruben usually gets up early on Sunday.  So it would throw EVERYTHING off.  Now, I'd be perfectly happy to come down on a Friday after the girls got out of school and spend the evening with them, and then spend quite a while on Saturday with them before coming back home.  That way Ruben could stay up Saturday night and have game night, and I'd be able to still do everything I needed to do on Sunday.  But that doesn't seem good enough for them.  And it SUCKS!  I wanna see the baby.  I wanna hang out with family.  But at the same time - to deny me the ability to do both of those because of the other rules just breaks my heart.  HOPEFULLY I can come up with a way to come down and see everyone before the end of the year.  I don't know if it will happen or not, but I'm gonna do my best.

 

Ok, think that's all I can get ahold of right now.

So I'm gonna get off the comp and go do something else for a couple hours. LATERS! :)

22 and some other thoughts

22 - bullet your whole day

 

Well, my days are always different.  So I'm going to do one for each different schedule of my week.  Not that anybody really gives a crap about what I do in my day, but maybe it can help people understand a little better how I do everything I do

 

Monday through Wednesday

 

Wake up between 7:30 and 8:00

Have coffee and wake up

Help the girls get ready for school

Walk girls to school

Spend a few hours (most days) with Ruben

Ruben goes to bed

Spend time alone till 3:30

Go get girls from school

Help with homework

Get dinner ready

wake Ruben up

Give girls bath

Get girls ready for bed

Ruben goes to work
Shut down house and go to bed

 

Thursday - week 1

Get girls ready for school

Take girls to school

Payday

Run errands

Ruben goes to bed

Pick girls up from school

Homework

Dinner

Wake Ruben

Girls bath

Girls to bed

Ruben to work

Shut house down and go to bed

 

Thursday - week 2

Same as Monday through Wednesday

 

Friday

Take girls to school

Spend day with Ruben

Pick girls up from school

Spend time as a family

Early to bed (usually 9ish)

 

Saturday

Wake up when we wake up

spend day together

dinner

 girls go to bed

Game night

 

Sunday

Relax until 11

get laundry together

go do laundry

home for dinner

hang with Ruben before work

Ruben goes to work

Shut house down and go to bed

 

 

And that's my week, haha.  I know, I know, so exciting huh?  Could be worse though huh?  I just hope that I can find something to do for the days Ruben goes to bed early - like today.  I did have errands today, but I still had an extra three hours to kill, lol.  Not that it's a bad thing, but sometimes it's hard for me to be alone for that long, ya know?

 

Anyway - moving on

 

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It really breaks my heart that people look at me and think I'm normal, and EXPECT me to be normal.  They expect me to be able to do everything the same way a healthy happy person would be able to do it.  I can do EVERYTHING that someone else can do - I just might have to do it in a different way or it might take me a little longer.  Yet people hear that I have MS and refuse to even give me the chance.  I have references out the wazoo, lol.  But nobody even takes the time to call them to find out how I work because they don't like the fact that I have MS.  I know it wouldn't matter if I were going to get a 9 - 5 somewhere because most places have the equal opportunity stuff going on, and they can't NOT hire me because of a "disability", ya know?  But working in the jobs that I want to work in - cleaning houses and helping people organize things - the homeowners just don't want to risk it I guess.  It is seriously frustrating.  And I just wish I could handle it in a way that they KNEW that I can do the job.  Maybe I can figure it out sometime.  I mean, I don't want to HIDE it because that's something that would likely come back to bite me in the ass.  And it would end worse than the other way.  Just frustrating.

 

Ok, sorry, just needed to rant about that for a second.

LATERS!

19, 20, 21

Ok, been a couple BUSY days, so I fell behind again, haha.  SOO, Time to catch back up.  So here's 19, 20, and 21.

19 Five ways to win your heart

20 something you feel strongly about

21 a book you love

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19 - Five ways to win your heart

1 - Always be honest with me, no matter how much you think it will hurt me, because - while the truth may hurt - it hurts less to hear the TRUTH than to hear lie after lie only to find out the truth.  That hurts worse.  K?

2 - be there for me on my BAD days too.  Physically, mentally, emotionally - we all have bad days.  Don't just be there for my good days.  Show me that you have my best interests at heart and be there for me during the bad days too

3 - If you say you're going to do something - DO IT!  Unless there is a LEGITIMATE reason not to (like you're sick, or injured, or something like that where you just honestly can't do it) always follow through with what you say you will do.  I can't stand people who tell me they will do something only to back out because someone else made plans that they liked more.  If you don't wanna do something, just tell me.  It won't break my heart, k?

4 - Surprise me.  Doesn't have to be with anything that requires money.  It can be with a walk around the lake, a movie date at home, cooking my favorite meal for me for dinner, or serving me breakfast in bed.  Just something new and exciting on occasion helps me feel like you care enough to notice the things that I really enjoy.

5 - Believe in me. In every way possible, that is the most simple and the most complex sentence at the same time.  But it's pretty self explanatory. :)

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20 - Something you feel strongly about

Probably gonna end up being a small list here instead of just one thing.  So just deal with it, k?  haha.

First, I believe that people should NEVER be judged by the color of their skin.  EVER.  I believe that EVERYONE should be treated as equals, and the fact that people STILL judge people by the color of skin they were BORN with instead of by their actual actions (and not something that people have made up because they don't like the color of their skin). I thought we'd come past that, but here we are still dealing with it on a daily basis, and it breaks my heart

Second - I think Religion and politics should NEVER be put together in the same room.  Laws are supposed to be made to protect the rights of the people, but the more religious fanatics we put into congress the less it's about freedom.  It become MY RELIGION IS BETTER THAN YOURS SO IT SHOULD BE THE LAW OF THE LAND.  Isn't that what this country was founded on?  Freedom?  Getting away from people trying to force us into a mold they formed in their heads?  Again, here we are in the "modern" age, and we are still living in the past. 

and Third - I think that we need to focus on the next generations.  Raising children that we would be PROUD to see in office, or running a business, or something like that.  But instead we are SPOILING our children.  Instead of teaching them to be independent young men and women, we are giving them EVERYTHING until they reach adulthood, and then we wonder why they can't take care of themselves once they finally do become adults.  STOP DOING THAT!  Teach your children that you love them, and you're there for them, but they need to learn to take care of their own responsibilities.  Seriously, I don't wanna see what the future holds if it's run by a bunch of spoiled brats.  Just saying.  Would you??

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21 - A book you love

There's a couple books I love.  Just gonna list them and a little about each one.

1 - I never promised you a rose garden - It's a book about a little girl who has mental issues who is in a mental institute, and her struggles with everyday life dealing with her illness.

2 - The nightside novels - Yes, all of them.  If you haven't read them, check them out.  It's a pretty interesting series.

3 - His Dark Materials trilogy.  - Seriously good books.

3 - A cricket in times square - Another cute book.  Great for older children to read.  (actually, I need to find it for Ivy's class.  I think they'd really like it)

(ok that was quite a few, but they are all really really good books, so go check them out)

 

18 - Aspirations

Ya know, this one has always been kinda hard for me.  Not because I don't have dreams or anything, but because I have so many that seem important to me.  So I'm just gonna write a little and see what comes out.

 

My main aspiration is to be the best possible person I can be.  To always pay forward the blessings we receive.  To make the people in my life proud of me - even if they never really say it.  To prove those who said I'd never become anything completely wrong, because I know that as long as I try - and try hard - that I can do anything I set my mind to.  I always want to make the world a better place, and I will always do whatever I can do to make that happen.

 

My next aspiration is to raise the girls in a way that will make the world a better place.  To teach them responsibility, and tact, and truth.  To help them every single day to know the difference between right and wrong, and not be afraid to act on what's right no matter what those around them are doing.  To show them how much they are loved, and how - no matter how angry we may get sometimes, or how often we fight - we will always love them.  Show them that they can always talk to me if they have a problem, and I will always do my best to help them through whatever it is they are facing.  And I will do my best to never judge them for any mistakes they might make.  Because, after all, we are all human and we all make mistakes.  And it'd be kinda hypocritical to judge them for a mistake that I'm sure I made at some point or another, haha.

 

And the last one is to better myself, my family, my friends, and my life at least a little every single day.  Be it through art, or music, or reading a new book.  Just add a new experience, or a new lesson, to every single day.  There is so much in this world to experience, and sometimes we make excuses to not get out and live.  Sometimes it's because we are "too busy" or we are "afraid that it won't be any good", or that it's too expensive, or or or.  Know what I mean?  But there are TONS of things in life to do that don't require money.  Some don't even require that much time.  So I'm determined to stop making excuses and start making memories.  I know it's not as easy as it sounds.  I've been fighting this battle for a very long time.  But I'm to a point in my life where there's no more time for excuses.  With my MS, and the way it tackles me and makes me absolutely useless sometimes - I need to make the most of every good moment that I have.  So no more excuses.  No more "reasons" not to do something.  It's time to make the most of every day, and become a better person for it. :)

 



Picking up where I left off

Hooray for a long weekend, although we were busy busy, haha.

Friday I went out to clean for a friend

Saturday we did a lot as a family

Sunday was laundry

Monday we did laundry too

Tuesday we went grocery shopping

 

And here we are at Wednesday.  I didn't get to do the writing I wanted to do because of how busy we were, and how much we were out of the house.  So I'm gonna pick up where I left off and just write until I feel like quiting.  Now, don't get me wrong: I've only missed 3 days, and this would be day 4. But who knows.  I might write a bunch of the numbers today, since I'm sure I'll miss more days.  It is the school year after all.  And I do have a LOT I need to do around the house.  SOO, yeah.  Here goes.

 

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

 

14: Something that upsets you

Honestly, this one is kinda complicated.  I've got a few things that upset me on a regular basis, so I'm gonna write them all out. 

 

The first is people saying they will do something and then not doing it because of some lame made up excuse.  If you didn't wanna do it, just say so.  Trust me, that hurts a hell of a lot less than letting me get my hopes up only to smash them to the ground.  I'm ok with rejection.  Believe me, it's really not as bad in real life as it is in your head.  And I'll honestly hate you less if you just tell me straight up that you don't want to go, k?  Thanks.

 

Second is expecting me to just drop everything to do something for you.  To completely change the way I do things at the snap of your fingers because YOU had plans that you expect me to do too.  Life doesn't work that way, k?   You can't expect me to just drop everything to do something for you - especially when you refuse to do the same for me.  That's not the way life works, and not the way I work.  And truly, it never will be.  Family is the worst about this one.  Still love them though, just wish they understood that things just don't work the way they want them to work just because they want it.  There are a lot of things I want that I still don't have.  Just saying, haha.

 

And the third is expecting me to do something for you AFTER you've refused to do things with/ for me so many times before.  It's not gonna happen.  Unless it's just something that I really wanna do, it's not going to happen!  And I don't really care if that pisses you off.  Put yourself in MY shoes for a second.  If you'd asked repeatedly for help, for company, for a shoulder to cry on or a hand up after life kicks you down - and were denied - would YOU jump at the chance to do something for that person?  Yeah, didn't think so.  Just saying again.  NOT GONNA HAPPEN!

 

Those are the things that upset me the most.  Thankfully most of the people in my life KNOW that, and do their best not to do any of them.  And I LOVE YOU GUYS for that!  :)

 

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15 - Something that makes you feel better

 

When I've had one of  "THOSE" days - You know the ones, where nothing is going right, and no matter what you do you don't feel good enough or you  feel like you're always going to be stuck where you're at and things will never get better - the things that make me feel better are as follows:

 

Talking with my friends/ best friends. - They have a wonderful way of making me laugh at the things life has thrown at me and making it easier to handle because I know I've got someone there who's got my back - even if it's from MILES away.

 

Hugging my girlies - Because their hugs could cure any bad day because I remember that the blessings truly outweigh the bad in my life.  Even at our worst, we always had people willing to come out of the woodwork to help us out.  And I feel truly blessed about that, and I'm doing my best to pay it forward to others in need.

 

Playing a good console game - Like God of War, Champions of Norath, Blur, Enslaved, Katamari (any of them, because that's funny as hell, haha), the Lego games (cause they're funny as hell too), or Skylanders.  They help distract me from the real world, and just let me enjoy things for a while.

 

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16 - Something that makes you cry

 

Just writing a list.  I'm sure you can understand them if you really think about it at all.  So I'm not really gonna write about any of them.

 

Pain

Death

Loneliness

Anger

Frustration

 

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17 - A first

 

This year was the first spring break where both girls stayed with my mom and dad in Arkansas for spring break.  It was the first real vacation that Ruben and I have had since having the girls and him working at the hotel.  We had a whole week without the girls to do what we wanted when we wanted to do it, without having to worry about when we had to be back to pick the girls up.  We could sleep when we wanted, get up when we wanted, and just go.  It was fantastic. :)  And it's going to be a yearly thing now.  So that'll be nice, and always something to look forward to. :)

 

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And the next one is kinda hard, so I think I'm gonna stop for now and think on it.  Might be a couple days before I pick it back up again, but I'll be back. :)

LOVE YOU GUYS

LYZ

11, 12, 13

Been SUPER busy the last few days. Not complaining though.  It's been a good week. :)  Yesterday I got to spend some time with Ruben, got to help a friend, and the girls and I painted some arts and crafts stuff and they told me all about their day.

SOO, now it's time to catch back up.

11 your first kiss

12 your favorite memory

13 your favorite birthday

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11 - Your first kiss

Well, that depends on which one you're talking about, haha.  The first REAL kiss?  Or the very first kiss that wasn't family?  Funny thing is, they were the same person ;)  lol.  I went to Kindergarten out in Spiro, Oklahoma - and while out on the playground one day one of my little boy friends and I hid out in the giant tire, and he kissed me.  Yeah, I still remember that, haha.

Well, then we moved into Fort Smith, to the house mom and dad are still in, and I thought I'd never see him again.  Not that it would have been the end of the world or anything, ya know?  I was still little, so it wasn't a huge deal.  Well, turns out the family we moved in next to was that little boys Grnadpa and Grandma, haha.  So we discovered that one summer, and hung out ALL THE TIME during the summer.  We'd get up early and just hang out around the neighborhood being crazy kids. Well, my parents had these storage sheds out in the back yard FOREVER, and we went out behind them one day, and again he kissed me - except this time I actually kissed back ;)  Yeah, we were really good friends FOREVER, so it was a little weird, but it was nice.

I haven't really seen them since we graduated high school and his grandpa (I think it was) passed away.  I've heard he's doing pretty good though, which makes me happy. :)  He deserves it.  He was a really great guy.

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12 - Your favorite memory

I think that one is a little hard to pin down.  I've had some GREAT times.  Between trips with family, and school trips, there are really too many to pick just one. SOOO, I'm gonna write a list of my favorite memories. :)

The orchestra trip to St. Lewis
The orchestra trip to Colorado
The family Cruise trip to the Bahamas
The family trip to New York

And if I had to pick just one of those trips to be the FAVORITE favorite, I think it'd have to be the Orchestra trip to Colorado.  We won a special award, hung out with friends in the snow skiing and enjoying each others company, and just had a great time overall.  I miss those trips, something fierce.  Time with great friends doing something that I loved doing?  Yeah, who could ask for more. :)  So yeah, I guess that would be the favorite.  I just hope the girls get to have trips like that, because it was awesome. :)

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13 - your favorite birthday

Well, this one is EASY!  Now, don't get me wrong, my friends made my birthdays pretty awesome - but because my family didn't celebrate I never really got a party or anything like that.  At least, not until I graduated and met Ruben and his friends. :)  We'd only been together for a couple months (and actually, there are some dramatic details I'm going to leave out) but Ruben, Matt, Desiree, and a few other friends threw a party for me. :)  It wasn't anything HUGE, but there was cake, and gifts, and good times with friends.  And then we went to hang out at the pool hall, and did the movies, and all that.  It was awesome.  And I still have the book I was given, and it's one of my favorite books.  It was a book of Emily Dickenson poetry, and then I also got an Alice in Wonderland book too. :)  It really was an awesome birthday, and I'll never forget it.

I've had some good ones before then, and some good ones since, but that would be the one that truly takes the cake. :) 

9 and 10 and some more thrown in ;)

9 - what's in your bag

Well, this one is kinda boring today, haha.  Now, if it had fallen on a Sunday it would have been different.  But today all that's in my bag is my wallet and my sunglasses. *shrug* guess it could be even more boring and have NOTHING in it, haha. 

Now, Sunday I have my notebook full of art pages, notebook paper, and drawing paper.  I have the newspaper.  I have snacks and drinks.  I have my tablet, the cell phone, my wallet, my sun glasses, my e-cig stuff, and usually a few more things.  And it's all there cause we go spend a few hours doing boring old laundry at the in-laws and I need something to keep myself occupied, haha.  LATERS

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10 - This week.

we, we will just go through the days for ya.  Nothing FUN going on this week.  But lots of me trying to pay it forward (well, two days at least, haha)

Sunday was laundry, and boring as ever.  I swear, Someone needs to invent something that will do laundry all the way from sorting through folding and putting it up for you, haha.  I HATE LAUNDRY.  But ya know, it could be worse.  Thanks to the in-laws it's not as bad as it could be.  We get to do it for free.  I get to sit around in the house watching movies and doing things I want to do.  And the girls get to run around and get some of their crazy energy off without me having to follow them all damn day.  And then we come home and spend the evening with Ruben before his work week starts up again and the school week starts.

Monday we didn't really do much either.  Got the girls off to school, and then Ruben went to bed pretty eary.  And then I went and got the groceries for the rest of the month (we are cleaning out the pantry, so there wasn't really a whole lot to get - which is good cause we was almost out of funds for groceries, haha)  Then came home and watched a movie till time for the girls to get home.  Then I took a nap, which felt nice.

Tuesday I took the girls to school, and then went up to te way north side of the city to help my friend unpack again.  We managed to get his office done last week, and then this week we cleared out the boxes that were in the front entry way.  I think now it's just a matter of getting things to put everything on.  So I ran him up to Walmart and we picked up two bookshelves so he can use them to put his movies and music and stuff on in the living room.  :)  Should look good when he's done with it.  And I told him if he wants some help putting everything up and organizing it to just let me know cause I'm good at that too. :)

Today we didn't do anything, and it was wonderful, haha.  I took the girls to school, and then we kinda straightened up a few places in the house.  Then we went and tried the new parmasean (sp) chicken sandwich from Burger king since I had a buy one get one coupon.  Then came home and watched some CSI while Ruben installed Windows 7 on the computer. :)  Hooray for updating the computer, haha.  And then I ran Ivy some more medicine and came home and took a good 2 hour nap. AHHH.  Some days that's the best thing huh?  Didn't even wake up feeling too bad.  Although I've got a headache that just won't die.  Oh well, I'll survive.

Tomorrow will probably be a lot like today.  Cleaning house and relaxing.  The house isn't BAD, it's just cluttered and things need to find their places again.  So that'll be the goal for tomorrow.  :)  Might even take a good long bath.  And then a good long nap again.  It's nice to get to sleep next to Ruben without the girls MOM MOM MOMming me to death, haha. :p

Friday morning Ruben and I'll have a couple hours, and then I'm gonna go out and help another friends family clean their house.  It's even further away than the guy I've been helping unpack, so I'll leave early enough to get there as close to noon as possible (when they will be there to unlock) and then make sure I leave as close to 2 as possible - if it takes that long - so I can be back well before the girls get out of school.  And then we might do something with the girls that evening.

Saturday is gonna be a good family day.  Nothing planned.  Nowhere we HAVE to go.  So get some good time doing things we want to do with the family. :) 

And that's this week, haha.  This weekend is a 4 day weekend, so Monday and Tuesday I'll find something for the girls and I to go do - maybe with their friend if she's not doing anything that day.  Just have to see.

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I'm excited for some stuff that's coming up this next little while.

Next Friday Ruben and I are gonna go see RIPD. :)  Looks good, so I guess we will see.  But it'll be nice to get to go on a DATE and not have to worry about when we have to pick the kids up from the baby sitter, or having to pay them either, haha.

It's hard to believe my Ivy girl will be 10 a week from tomorrow!!!!  OMG, I'm not ready for a kid in double digits, haha.  Guess it could be worse - she could be a *gasp* teenager, lol.  But still.  So we are trying to find something to do with her where her friends can actually make it.  Speaking of which, I might call Ruben's job and see if we can use the emerald room at his hotel.  If not, we might do the park again.  Just have to see what the weather is supposed to do next weekend.

And HOPEFULLY sometime soonish we can save up the money to make the trip down to Arkansas to see our newest addidition.  Visit with the family, see the baby, and hang out for a while.  Only thing I have to say is I hope we can afford to go down ourselves, because - while I love the fact mom and dad and Whit were gonna help us come down - their rules for paying our way were a little hard to deal with.  They want us to spend all the time we are down there with them, and stay and go to the meeting on Sunday.  There are quite a few things wrong with that.  The first being I wanna see other friends too!!!  Damnit, we don't get down there very often so it's not fair to force us to spend every minute with you.  The second is having to stay and go to the meeting.  That keeps Ruben from coming, cause he has to work Sunday night and has to sleep sunday.  And that would put me getting home too late to get laundry done too.  So it's just not really going to work for us.  And it irritates me that they are guilt tripping me about the whole thing. I know you wanna see me.  I know you want us to go to the meeting.  I know that.  I really do, believe me.  But things just don't work that way for us.  We have other responsibilities that have to be taken care of too.  We can't just drop everything and change everything because you want us to do things your way.  So yeah.  At least if we pay our own way we can visit without having to change everything.  We could come down on a Friday and hang out.  Then spend Saturday with the family and come home Saturday afternoon.  That way Ruben could still sleep, and I'd still have Sunday afternoon to get everything I need to get done for the week done without having to rush.  JUST GRRR!  I love you guys, but that's just not fair.

I guess we will find out with that too.  It may not happen.  Sadly, I feel like we are growing more and more apart with each passing year because I'm not willing to do everything they want me to do.  I'm sorry that I'm not your perfect daughter.  I'm sorry that I never will be because I've made my choice.  I just wish that you could accept me for that.  But with the way certain other family members are, it really doesn't surprise me.  It hurts like a BITCH though.  :(  I just wish they could accept me for who I am, and not for who they want to change me back into.  I'm not your little girl who does whatever you say anymore.  I've made my choices, and I live my life based on those choices.  And I KNOW that those choices have certain bad things attached to them in your eyes.  And I'm sorry.  But I don't believe that way.  And then even if it IS that way, then I'll be dead.  I won't know about what I'm supposedly missing, because I won't be awake.  Now, don't get me wrong, it's hard saying that because in the back of my mind there's all the "what if"s  ya know?  What if I AM wrong.  What if there will be paradise on earth and all that jazz.  But truthfully, I'm not sure I'd want to live there.  With the same people for ETERNITY?  Doing the same things over and over and over.  There's only so much you can do on this earth - even as a perfect human.  Only so many times you can climb the same mountains and swim in the same oceans and all that jazz.  Yeah, it might take a thousand years before you've done them all - but what about the rest of INFINITY that you'll be spending there?  I'm just not sure that's something that I want to do.  And I'm sorry that isn't want you want to hear.  I'm sorry I'm not who you want me to be.  Just do me a favor, and stop guilt tripping me because I'm going my own way?  Please? I don't judge you for being who you are, even though I don't truly agree with most of the things you guys do.  I accept you for who you are, just the way you are.  Please, please, please, do the same for me?  Isn't that what TRUE LOVE really is? 

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Ok, now on with a less depressing topic, haha.

Sorry that went on as long as it did.  I hate writing about that kind of thing because it really breaks my heart that so many people judge me for not being the person they want me to.

But I do have the most amazing friends in the world.  And my family really is good with everything except the religion thing.  They've always been there for me through thick and thin (at least since I've grown up and moved out of the house and they didn't have to put up with my drama on a daily basis, haha) 

I'm looking for more ways to pay our blessings forward.

We've had so many people the last month and a half come out of the woodwork to help us.  Help with school supplies, school clothes, cars, etc.  Things that we could not have done on our own.  And I can't say thank you enough.  And they don't want anything in return.  So i've decided to pay it forward.  I just have NO CLUE what to do TO pay it forward.  If you're reading this, and you have ANY ideas - no matter how small, or how silly - please let me know. 

THANKS

Ok, I'm out of here.  Gonna watch some more CSI and try to relax.

LATERS! :)

Catching up

Well, I had every intention of writting every single day.  And then our computer crapped out.  Well, kinda, haha.  We were gonna upgrade to Windows 7, so he wiped the drive and started the reinstall.  And that's when the drive crapped out.  Like, completely.  Wouldn't retain any information AT ALL.  SOO, we had to replace the drive, reinstall windows, and reinstall everything we needed on it so that we could use it.  SOOO, yeah. lol.

So here I am.  Back to writting.

Gonna catch up on the daily writings, and then write a little more.

4 your definition of love

5 your best friend(s)

6 a moment

7 your beliefs

8 your siblings

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4 - Your definition of Love

My definition of love is a bit complex.  To me, love isn't just something that you can put into words.  It's something that you have to show through your actions. It's running out in the middle of the night to get random pregnancy cravings.  It's finding little ways to fulfill wishes (like for me, I always said I wanted to find a way to be in two places at once - so he took me to the state line and had me put one foot on each side of the line.  So I was in two states at one time.  Awesome huh?)  It's being an amazing dad to two amazing little girls.  It's finding ways to make me feel better about myself, even on my worst days.  It's for better or worse.  It's accepting my faults, and me accepting his, and doing whatever we can to make the other person feel less self concious about them.  It's being able to fight, and still wake up next to each other the next day (or in our case, spending every spare moment together after the fight, since he works nights and all). It's staying up all night while your kids are sick.  It's giving a hug just because, and giving a kiss goodnight every night.  It's always being there for someone, even if you don't see each other every day.  That's love.  Love is always there, no matter what else is going on.  And I love YOU!  You know who you are.  :)

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5 - Your best friend(s)

The original title was best FRIEND, but I have more than one.  That's why I added the s, haha. I seriously have some of the most amazing best friends ever.  Even though we live so far apart, and we don't get to see each other all that often, I know they are always there for me.  And I hope they know that I'm always there for them too.

Cassie and Ashley have been my best friends FOREVER (well, might as well be forever, haha) since we went to school together.  Played in Orchestra together.  Did drama together.  And just all around spent TONS of time together.  I couldn't ask for better friends - because they go out of their way to make sure we always have a good time when we can get together.

Loren and Jordan - even though I've never actually met you guys in person, you're always there for me too.  There to talk to when I need a listening ear.  There to help me with problems when you can. And there to remind me that there are people out there that love me too. (same with Cassie and Ashley)

And I have other friends too.  Maybe not BEST friends, but friends none the less.  And I feel very very blessed to have them in my life. :)

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6 - a moment

Wow, this one is a bit difficult for me to figure out.  There are so many moments in my life that it's hard to pin down just one.  But I think if I had to choose, there are THREE moments that take the cake. 

Ruben and I's first wedding.  Yeah, it was small and very spontaneous.  But it was BEAUTIFUL.  It was down by the river in Fort Smith, with friends around us, and beautiful vows.  It couldn't have been any better (well, if others could have made it maybe, but it was still beauiful) It was definetly better than the actual wedding.  I didn't have a single person at that one for me, so yeah.

And the other two were when my littles were born.  Ivy and Des are the joy of my life, and while they drive me CRAZY sometimes, they still make my life so much brighter.  Watching them grow and learn.  Watching as they grown in to amazing little people.  I couldn't ask for more amazing children.  Not at all.

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7 - your beliefs

Ok. I read that as what are your RELIGIOUS beliefs. So that's what I'm gonna write about, k?

 Now, anybody who TRULY knows me knows this is a touchy subject.  It probably always will be. So I'm going to write what I believe, the way I believe it.  Take it with a grain of salt, and accept that it's going to be different than you believe.

I was born and raised a Jehovahs witness.  I lived my life based on the beliefs that they taught as well as I knew how.  Now, mind you, I'm human.  I make mistakes.  I did things that were wrong.  And I understand that.  But I think my problem was when those HUMAN MISTAKES caused those that I was raised with and around in the congregation basically disowned and disassociated me.  A lot of them basically treated me like I didn't exist.  Instead of helping me realize what I'd done wrong, and helping me live a better life, I was left out on my own.  And it was that way for quite a while.  I wasn't allowed to answer at the meetings.  Wasn't allowed to go out in field service and speak at the doors without someoen there with me.  Wasn't allowed to really do ANYTHING that I'd grown up doing.  I was expected to just accept my fate too - because OBVIOUSLY I knew what I did, and according to them I wasn't repentant enough.  I felt abandoned.  Betrayed by the people who had always told me I could come to them for anything.  SO I rebelled.  I got a job that I loved, with people and hours they hated.  I started smoking, and drinking (started underage too) and really just quit caring.  Because obviously I had been betrayed by God who left these IMPERFECT MEN in charge of everything down here on earth.

Now, I have a completely different view on faith and beliefs.  I believe that all that really matters is that you have faith. That you believe in something.  And that if you believe in that something with everything you have that it's true.  I think that as long as you're living you live the best way possible, that you're doing the right thing.  I don't think that all of our ways of living should be based on a book that was written by men CENTURIES ago.  Yeah, a lot of the writtings are good GUIDELINES - but living by them word for word is just crazy to me.  Especially when they are SO MANY VERSES that contridict themselves, ya know?  So yeah, that's how I believe when it comes to religion.

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8 - your sibling(s)

Now, I only have the one sister.  My little sister, Whitney.  She's my younger sister, but in a lot of ways she was more mature than me, haha.  Physically, for example, she started "developing" a lot sooner than I did.  She started exploring things before I did.  She wasn't afraid to drive, like me (yeah, don't ask).  And while we rarely got along as little kids, she's one of the best people I know.  She is an AMAZING mother.  A great wife.  A friend who listens when you need to talk.  Just a great person all around.  She's a stay at home mom, and she homeschools her kids, and keeps up with the house, AND puts up with my grandma (LOVE YOU GRANDMA) all at the same time.  I honestly don't think I could do it, ya know?  So yeah, she's an amazing person.  And I love her very very much.

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Ok, I think that catches me up, haha.  HOPEFULLY the computer will cooperate so I won't have to do that again anytime soon.  Not that I don't enjoy writting, but having to catch up on stuff like that makes my head hurt cause I've actually gotta kinda think, haha. :p

Today was the start of the second week of school for my littles.  Hard to believe the first week is already gone. Probably because I stayed pretty busy that whole week.  Not that it's a bad thing, but that's probably why.  This week, we are gonna try to get Ruben to bed earlier so he can get up and have the evenings with the girls, since he won't get the time during the mornings with then while they are in school.  And Desi is already asking if she can walk herself in, haha.  It's so weird for me, truthfully.  I just can't come to terms with the fact she is having absolutly no seperation anxiety at all, lol.  Cause I sure am!!!  On well.  I'm doing good, all things considered.

Like today, Ruben crashed at 12:30.  Then I went and got groceries for the rest of the month and came home and put them up.  Then watched Josie and the Pussycats.  Yeah, been FOREVER, haha.  Great background noise type movie. 

Tomorrow I'm going out to help Jim unpack some more.  He's got quite a bit to do before he will be completely caught up, so I'm helping him get there before he goes back to work so he has less to keep up with.  And MAYBE I can get him to pay me to come vaccuum and mop and all that jazz too. :)  Could be pretty kool to get a little extra money again, since Brita and them moved.  I hope they are doing ok.  Haven't heard from them since they left.  But anyway, so that will take up most of the day tomorrow. 

Then Wednesday I'm going to focus on the house.  Gonna clean off the table, put the living room back together, and hopefully get our bedroom back together too.  And then I think I'm gonna try to focus on the girls clothes again.  Actually get rid of some stuff that's too small and all that.  Cause there's NO WAY we can fit them all in their closet and dresser.  No freaking way, haha.  They have a TON of clothes.  So I'm gonna do my best to get that all pared down.  If I don't, not the end of the world.  But I'm honestly tired of it taking up so much space in our bedroom

Thursday is another day around the house.  So gonna get some more work done around the house.  Hopefully we can get it all back to square one by the end of the day Thursday so we can start the weekend off right, ya know? 

Friday morning I'll spend with Ruben. :)  Don't have a clue what we are gonna do, but I'm sure we will do something.  Then Friday afternoon I'm driving out to help another friend clean his house too.  :)  It feels good to be able to actually do things like that again, and actually get some extra money instead of having to spend it all on the gas to get there and back.  THANKS AGAIN CASSIE!  :) 

Right now, i'm gonna get off the comp for a few and take some pics.  It's that time again.  FUNDRAISER!  UGH!  lol.  So gonna take pics and post it and see if anybody actually wants anything. LATERS!

#3 - your parents

I'd love to say this post will be easier to write, but anybody who knows my parents will know that it's not, haha.

Now don't get me wrong, I LOVE MY FAMILY!  My parents always made sure we were taken care of the best way they knew how. 

My dad busted ass at the job he is STILL working for over 30 years to be sure we had a roof over our heads, food in our stomach, and clothes on our back.  And while he would come home EXHAUSTED sometimes, he never really complained about it.  I know a lot of people who can't say the same thing.  And yeah, my dad and I had issues with each other.  Some normal teenager BS, some other shit that I really don't care to talk about, and some other family crap.  But, looking back at it, he never really gave up on me - even when he probably should have.  And that's saying a hell of a lot too.

My mom busted ass too.  Just in different ways.  She worked crazy jobs, doing things that you KNOW she would rather not have to do - like working in a school cafeteria (sp?), or cleaning other peoples houses.  She helped any way she knew how to make sure ends met at the end of the month.  And we all gave up a lot because of how crazy everything was.  But ya know, in the long run, I don't think anybody would have changed the way we lived. 

They are still in the house we spent the vast majoiry of our childhood in, in the neighborhood we spent soo much time in.  The are still in the same congregation they've been in forever, with the same groups of friends.  Friends I've known my whole life.  And while I've grown so far apart from the vast majority of them, I know if I were to go down and visit, we would still be able to talk like we just parted ways yesterday - and that's pretty awesome too. :)

My parents are human

They make mistakes

They do things that drive me CRAZY

But they are my parents

And I love them

And that will never change

LOVE YOU MOM AND DAD!

HOPE TO BE ABLE TO VISIT SOON. 

Both to see you guys, and to visit with Whitney and the new baby. :)  

Ok, I'm out.

LATERS

#2 - your first love - plus other stuffs, haha.

My first love?

Wow, that's a tough question.

Love was always something that I wasn't quite sure about.  Even in high school when I was old enough to really start understanding emotions, that was one I was always unsure about.  Maybe it was because "Love" at home was one way, and I always saw other peopl with a different type of love.  Maybe it was because I just had a hard time with emotions as a whole, so that was just another mystery to me.  I really don't know. 

What I do know is that the first person I REALLY loved (or at least that I THOUGHT I loved) was another guy in the congregation I grew up in.  He had amazing red hair, Was just a couple years older than I was.  And I just loved the way he handled himself in everything he did. 

The sad part was, he barely noticed me, haha.  We didn't get a chance to hang out all that often, and when we did I was too damn shy to really do anything about it.  The few times I did we were in HUGE groups, and there was always something else that would catch his attention.

Ya know what though, that's really ok.  He went on to marry an amazing girl, and have some amazing kids.  I went on to marry Ruben, and we have our two beautiful little girls.  And none of that would have happened had we become more than just friends.  I found out that he had cancer too. :( Breaks my heart, because he really is an amazing guy.  I haven't heard anything about him in a while, so I have no idea how he's doing, or even if he's still fighting or not.  But I know, without a doubt, that we ended up where we were supposed to be.  Maybe not where I WANTED us to be, haha.  But where we needed to be, and that's what matters in the long run, right?

<(:)><(:)><(:)>

The girls had an awesome first day of school, and came home talking about everything they did the first day.  Helped put my mind at ease.  Thank goodness for small blessings, haha.

And today - the second day of school - seems to have gone just as well.  Although Desi bout made me cry this morning.  She asked if she could walk herself to her class today, without me.  Yeah, that was hard for me to hear.  Haha.  I walked her to the hall and made sure she knew where her class was anyway (more for me than her, lol)  I'm not sure I'm ready for her to walk herself in yet.  :(  But I know she can do it.  She went straight to her class this morning, no problem.  And I think as long as Ivy shows her to the hallway (which is right before her class) that she will be fine.  I just don't know though, haha.  With Ivy, she had me walk her to class EVERY SINGLE DAY of her first year of school, and even for the majoiry of the second year of school.  Desi - second day.  WTF?  I know they are completely different kids, but come on.  That's just not fair, haha.  Oh well.  They are growing up too damn fast.

I got to help a friend today, which felt really good.  Paying it forward.  He had knee surgery not too long ago, and has to stay off it as long as possible so it will heal up right.  And he'd moved a couple weeks ago. So I went over today to help him unpack some stuffs.  We started in his office, and actually got rid of the VAST majoirty of the boxes in there. :) And even cleaned off a lot of the boxes from the front entryway thing he has there.  So that felt good.  Spent 4 hours over there, which was nice.  Got to talk, and hang out, and help a friend.  I truly can't complain.  :)  And I'm gonna go back next week some time and help him get the front area cleaned up completely ( I think, lol - just have to see)  So that feels really good.

We had pest control today - so my kitchen is completely torn apart, haha.  Well, not completely, but everything is in the game area.  SOOO, tomorrow I'll be getting it all put back up.  Ruben will be able to help some, so that'll be a good thing.  Get it all put up and cleaned up and all that jazz.  Shouldn't take TOO long, as long as we can get in there and work together right.  Maybe even start cleaning things out, cause we really have too much stuff, and I just need to get rid of some of it. 

Thursday is payday - so we will get out after dropping the girls off at school and get our errands run.  Then come home and he will go to bed.  HOPEFULLY I'll feel up to getting some deep cleaning done around the house.  I wanna find my craft closet again, so I know what I've got, and what I can get rid of, and all that jazz.  Although, I'll probably start with the girls bedroom.  Get their room done up right, so they can keep it spotless during the school year.  Gonna get rid of a BUNCH of their mcdonalds toys and stuff like that.  Trust me, they don't need them, haha.  And then try to organize the smaller toys they have into something so they know where it all is.  Lots of LPS and MLP accessories - which I'm pretty sure they don't even really touch, haha.  But whatever.  Not gonna get rid of them until we start to get rid of the toys they go with, ya know?  No point in trying to get rid of them without the toys they belong to.  SOOO, just gotta get them better organized.

Friday is gonna be a "Date Day" for Ruben and I.  It'll be the first Friday with the girls in school, so we will have a full school day to hang out.  Might play games, or go out to eat, or go to a movie, or something like that.  No idea what we are actually gonna do, but it'll be nice to get to spend some good quality time together, ya know? 

Hopefull we will actually have some extra money, cause it's looking like Ruben locked the keys in the trunk of the car this morning, so he's having to call a locksmith to have them come pop the lock so he can get them back out.  Frustrating, but whatever.  Gotta do what ya gotta do right?  And it's ok because I'll make a little extra money next week helping a friend unpack some more, so it shouldn't be a problem, heh.  Guess we will find out huh?  And hell, I've got money i can move around if we HAVE to, so I'm not worried. :)

 

Anyway, I'm out of here for a while.  LATERS!